


Nothing Less

by mitsuru



Category: Free!
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 09:47:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2063472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitsuru/pseuds/mitsuru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka needs a moment to find the words he'll use. He wants to know what his goddamn problem is, and Makoto can't blame him because he wants the exact same thing (and he has wanted it for years, so many years).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Less

**Author's Note:**

> So...I basically wrote this as a sort of therapeutical catharsis after reading a LOT of fics where asexuality was handled quite badly, and I ended up liking the result. I also wanted to contribute to Ace and Aro August and this idea wouldn't leave me alone. Two birds with one stone and all that.

It's not like they plan to talk about it or anything. Haruka is in the middle of an existential crisis of sorts (typical of high school students who are about to graduate, but still a problem), and probably because of that, the terrifying and not exactly unexpected little phrase that leaves his mouth sounds a lot more casual than it should as he puts down his controller (videogames help to calm him down a lot) after they're done playing.

 

“I like you”

 

“...eh?”

 

“I said I like you”

 

Makoto waits for him to add something else. Something about how they're best friends, even though it sounds too corny for Haruka on his mind already. When he turns his head in Haruka's direction, however, he's looking at Makoto expectantly, giving him some space to answer. And that's when Makoto realizes they're leaning against each other, and Haruka is wearing his clothes like he usually does when he visits his house and stays over, and a whole lot of other things, all at once. The hints are obvious now (they weren't before because Makoto is an idiot who should know better).

 

“Me too” he manages to say. Some unidentified point in the middle of his chest (his lungs, maybe, because breathing is suddenly much more difficult than before) hurts when he realizes how badly that could be interpreted. “But that's kind of obvious, isn't it? You can't be friends with a person you don't like”

 

Haruka nods. The look in his eyes when he averts his gaze is so conflicted that it makes Makoto panic; his own safety and their friendship means a lot to him, but putting himself before others isn't something that comes easily to him. Quite the contrary, in fact. More than anything, he wants Haruka to be okay, and if that requires him to talk about things he hasn't found a way to explain yet, then he'll have to do it.

 

“...but that's not what you mean, right?” he adds, fixing his eyes on the screen in front of them so he doesn't have to see that strange mix of disappointment and pain in Haruka's expression.

 

Makoto can still feel him squirming against his side, though.

 

“No. Sorry if it bothers you”

 

Haruka says that because they're both men, most likely, and Makoto would love to smile and explain that it has never been a problem, that he has always felt extremely comfortable touching Haruka in ways that would probably be more fitting for two female friends. But he can't. The truth is a lot worse. To be honest, he almost wishes Haruka's assumptions were true because then he would at least have words to make him understand.

 

“It doesn't bother me” he says, instead, his hands turning into fists. “It would be nice to feel the same way”

 

Haruka moves away, and the sudden lack of his warmth is so painful that a wave of self-hatred washes over Makoto. If only he could be what Haruka wants this time, too (if only he could be normal).

 

“But I'm not a girl”

 

Haruka doesn't want to sound bitter, so he's forcing himself to speak in a tone devoid of emotions. It's probably that what convinces Makoto to look at him once again in what has to be the worst possible timing imaginable.

 

“No”

 

It's more of a sob than a word, and Haruka's eyes widen when tears start rolling down his cheeks.

 

“Makoto? What's wrong...?”

 

He's such a selfish bastard, Makoto thinks, hugging Haruka after what he said to him. He's pretty sure he won't be able to have fun with him anymore after this, and while it's horribly wrong, deep inside he still depends on Haruka to function just like when he was a kid. If Haruka pushes him away, he honestly has no idea of what he's going to do.

 

But Haruka doesn't push him. Haruka puts a clumsy and trembling hand on his head and another one on his back.

 

“Makoto?” he says once again, in a softer tone of voice.

 

Not without difficulty, Makoto swallows. His throat feels dry, just like his mouth.

 

“I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. It has nothing to do with girls”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Something is really, really wrong with me”

 

It's like having a weight lifted from his shoulders, and at the same time, his voice cracks and he has to stop for a second to rub his eyes. If it wasn't for Haruka's hands gently holding his shoulders, Makoto wouldn't continue.

 

But he does.

 

“I understand why you think it'd be different, but...that's not it. I know I should like you. It scares me to think that I could never see you again. Spending time with you makes me happy and I want to make you happy too. I used to think I liked you because it was an obvious explanation”

 

Haruka tilts his head a bit. His eyes, as honest as ever, are showing confusion but they're not filled with hatred. He doesn't think Makoto is lying, and that's more than Makoto dared to hope for.

 

“Then I grew up and I...learned that liking someone is different, that it includes things that have never crossed my mind when thinking about you...or other people”

 

Haruka needs a moment to find the words he'll use. He wants to know what his goddamn problem is, and Makoto can't blame him because he wants the exact same thing (and he has wanted it for years, so many years).

 

“Like what?”

 

“Sex, mostly, but...I don't like the idea of being someone's boyfriend in general”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I don't...know. I have no idea”

 

Makoto isn't sure of what he was expecting, but Haruka's nod doesn't make him feel better.

 

“I'm sorry. It's weird” he mutters.

 

“Maybe. I don't care, though”

 

It takes some time before Haruka's words register on his mind, and when they do, Makoto's mouth opens by itself.

 

“Y-you don't?”

 

“Not really. Makoto is Makoto”

 

“But aren't you...angry?”

 

Seemingly puzzled, Haruka frowns before shaking his head. It's usually easier for Makoto to follow his train of thought than it is for most people, but right now it's almost as if he had a completely different person in front of him, a person who apparently doesn't think he's a heartless monster.

 

“I don't have reasons to be angry”

 

And he could interrogate Haruka about the meaning of that (he will, at some point), but for now, Makoto feels so relieved that he only manages to let out a sigh, almost as proof that he can breathe normally again. Haruka goes to the bathroom with him and lets him wash his face, and when Makoto feels better and finally looks at him again, Haruka doesn't seem sad or heartbroken or irritated.

 

He looks like a friend, worried about someone who is very, very important to him. Nothing less.


End file.
